As you may know I have been interviewed by OK9 Magazine for the last two years at Christmas but this year they asked me to travel to Iceland to interview Santa Claus!

I thought T wouldn’t let me go but she and P said yes, but on condition they accompanied me. We had a good flight though I had to travel in a crate and not first class as expected. T and P had enjoyed the in flight catering and were a little worse for wear when they got off the plane. I got nothing.

The following day wasn’t good as T and P didn’t get up. I made the best of it and thought up my questions for Santa. After so many years did he still enjoy his job? Does he have satnav? (does he know postcodes?) Is he allowed to smoke while working and what the elves did when he was on his rounds?

The next day we got going and met up with a person from OK9 Magazine who was to chaperone us. Apparently, where Santa lives is secret and we all had to wear blindfolds to protect his privacy. All I can say is that it was very cold and I was glad that T had insisted I wear my new coat – red with a white fur trim (fake of course). She thought that Santa would appreciate it, wish that P hadn’t worn the reindeer antlers though it seemed a little disrespectful to me. We knew we’d arrived as the blindfolds were removed. I don’t think Santa has central heating and I kept my coat on. Santa didn’t offer any refreshments; a brandy would have gone down well, though, frankly, by this time I would have accepted a cup of tea and a bag of crisps.

Santa seemed a little distracted and not that keen to talk. The OK9 person had a chat with him but I couldn’t hear what was said. Santa came and sat down after the chat and appeared ready for the interview.I looked for Rudolf but there was no sign, in fact it was all very quiet, no elves or fairy helpers and not a present to be seen. Time for my first question:

Me: “Hello Santa, thank you for seeing me at such a busy time. It has always been an ambition of mine to meet you and Rudolf and all the other reindeers of course.”

Santa: “OK9 were very generous. But no photos please and I don’t sign autographs.”

Me: “Of course, I don’t like to sign autographs either but I do enjoy having my photo taken. I must say it is very quiet I thought it would be a hive of activity - where are all your helpers?”

At this point Santa turned to the OK9 person and whispered something. The OK9 person then turned to me and said Santa did not want to talk about the elves. Bit puzzled by this and Santa’s demeanour altogether. I thought he was supposed to be a jovial person and everyone’s friend – if you’ve been good. I started to get a sinking feeling, what had T and P said about me? Had they told Santa about my throwing up and refusing to eat, stealing sausages and ribs of beef or going into a field when told not to? Santa certainly didn’t look pleased but I couldn’t be sure I was the cause, it was very quiet. The sleigh wasn’t anywhere to be seen either.

Next question:
Me: “Santa, does anyone give you a present at Christmas?”

Santa: “Mrs Santa always gave me a pair of socks and thermal vest but I am not expecting anything this year.”

Me:” Oh why is that? Are you giving to charity instead?”

Santa started to look ruffled and again turned to the OK9 person. The OK9 person said Santa did not want to continue with the interview and would like us to leave. This was a disappointment, I had hardly got going and not asked any probing questions like what does Rudolf eat and most important of all had he received my letter yet?

When we got outside the OK9 person said we had to put our blindfolds on for the journey back to the hotel. On the way I asked the OK9 person what was the matter with Santa? The OK9 person explained that Santa had invested in an Icelandic bank and had lost all his money so he could not pay the elves or fairies to make and wrap presents or feed the reindeers so they had all left him, including Mrs Santa. He was now waiting for his house to be repossessed, hence the secrecy about where he lived. He had hidden the sleigh and didn’t want anyone to find him until after Christmas. He was hoping to deliver the presents he had and try to make them go round everyone but it was going to be difficult without any help. It turns out he had only done the interview as OK9 had paid him and he desperately needed the money. This was terrible; obviously I wasn’t going to get the new laptop I had asked for or the pound of sausages. What a letdown, I had spent ages looking at PC World’s website to choose the right one – the keyboard had to be big enough for my paws and spell check and autocorrect are essential. We had to do something; the OK9 person just shrugged and said the credit crunch was hitting everyone. But this was Santa, how would he ever recover from this?

I made a decision and told T and P and the OK9 person that we were going back to help Santa even though it was cold. T bought a bottle of vodka as she thought this would be warming and stuffed it in her coat. Santa did not look pleased to see us and didn’t want to let us in. We explained that we knew about his problems and were here to help. P still had the reindeer antlers on but Santa let us in. Once we got going it got quite warm and T started singing carols – she always sings after a few drinks and the vodka bottle was almost empty. When all the presents were wrapped Santa fetched his sleigh and we loaded up, but how was he going to deliver them without the reindeers? Santa thought he knew where they had gone and went to see if he could persuade them to come back. The OK9 person went off to get a takeaway as Santa had not had a good meal for some time and had lost weight. Eventually, Santa returned with Rudolf, Dancer and Prancer and Blixen had gone to fetch the others. We all had a good meal – a curry tastes good anywhere. If T had been conscious she would have stopped me eating and P was too busy trying to hide the reindeer antlers to notice what I was doing.

When we left some hours later all the reindeers had returned and had agreed to pull the sleigh and Santa looked warm and plump again. We went back to our hotel; T could walk with help by this time and had started to sing again. Someone passed us as we left, the OK9 person said it was Mrs Santa, further on all the elves and fairies were making their way back to Santa’s house too. Santa would have a good Christmas after all despite his troubles.

We flew home the next day – I was still in a crate, did they not know I had saved Santa? I thought T and P should have insisted I went in first class but they both had bad headaches and didn’t want to talk and seemed bothered by loud noises. Well, no interview with Santa but I will never forget my experience and T and P will probably never remember.

Happy Christmas.