I’ve been away. The kennels to be precise. They keep saying they missed me, well why did they put me in there then? They could have stayed at home or taken me with them. They try not to say the K word and say hotel instead – some hotel! I take my own bed and food, I do have an ensuite bathroom and terrace but the room service is a little lacking as I don’t get a menu. T and P have obviously got to them as I get the same food as at home – no ribs of beef or steaks. The weather was quite nice so me and the other ‘guests’ were hoping for a barbecue (there was quite a lot of us) but no we were all fed in our rooms. Good hotels have a dining room and menus.

Came home to lots of excuses about why they had put me in there. I don’t believe them. If I was really part of the family they’d take me too – just get me a pet passport then there would be no problem.

I was ignoring their excuses and checking out the house in case they hadn’t gone away and other people and dogs had been here (I do wonder sometimes) when I heard the sound of running water. This is always a noise to be wary of. I was being called, it is always best to ignore calls when you are not sure why they want you. I hid under the bed but it wasn’t long until they found me. They were being nice to me, too nice. It was all too clear I was to have a bath. I had seen the towels and my shampoo – once tortured you never forget and I have been put through this harrowing experience several times before.

Wasn’t going to move but they had me cornered, tried to make a break for it but they got me. I turned on the charm and started licking P’s arm and looking lovingly at him. He would have relented I’m sure but T is not so easily turned and she took me firmly into the bathroom. Collar removed and in I went. It was quick but unpleasant. P was talking to me throughout but T never uttered a word, she can be quite menacing at times but when you consider what she does to slugs and snails I think I got off quite lightly.

The ‘up’ side of a bath (if there is one) is that after a stay in the kennels the smell of the place lingers on me and now I can relax in my bed (which T also cleaned) without anything to remind of my time away. All I have to do now is find some mud or horse manure to roll in and I will smell absolutely perfect!

There's no smell like home!