I may have mentioned that I like to read on occasion. I know I can’t really read as I’m a dog – like the pictures though, particularly on take away menus. But there is something or someone I reckon I can read – T. I can read her like a book – well mostly. It must be said that there are times when I haven’t the faintest idea what she is doing and P is permanently baffled no matter what.

She needs managing and since P is quite incapable of this it is up to me. I try to keep her on her toes by barking when she isn’t expecting it or presenting her with a toy and demanding a game. She nearly always obliges. P is hard work and prefers to stand on his Wii Fit but T will run around the garden with me more or less on demand. I know how to make her feel guilty and then she is putty in my paws. I wouldn’t say she’s a pushover as there are some things that are clearly sacrosanct to T – “The Archers” is one. When that is on the radio there is a hush in the house while T listens. P doesn’t dare speak and creeps around; thankfully it is quite short so things return to a relative normal quite quickly. P and I keep our fingers (paws in my case) crossed that she doesn’t want to listen to the omnibus edition on a Sunday as that is very long.

I have a routine that I like to follow each day – order in life is good I think. Walk around the park first thing in the morning, T likes this as she can count the ducklings. I have to stand patiently while she counts, watching the ducklings pleases T and anything that puts her in a good mood is alright by me. Lunchtime I like a long walk and then before dinner I like either a play in the garden or a short walk in the park or woods not fussed which it is I’m very easy to please. All this is achievable through careful management.

After T and P have eaten and had a glass of wine or two they are quite amenable to a game if I present them with one of my toys, I like the ones that squeak the best. T generally plays the longest as P falls asleep. I can wake him if I squeak my toy loudly, he looks a little confused and pretends he wasn’t asleep, no one is fooled. T often falls asleep too so we go up to bed when one of them eventually wakes up. I reckon that they drink too much wine but P says it’s because he works hard – the jury’s out on that one.

I usually get what I want, its hard work at times as T does get distracted, but all I need to do is make her think that I’m in need of attention and she makes a fuss of me and takes me out. Works nearly every time. I’m not bothering with P as he isn’t really worth the effort, don’t see much potential there to get lots of walks and I don’t think the Wii Fit is really for me.

I may have mentioned that I like to go under the bed on occasion – T and P’s bed that is. I regard it as a safe place – a sanctuary from the worst excesses of T and P. It’s not infallible as T has been known to crawl under the bed when I’m not looking and grab me. But on the whole it offers peace and quiet when I need a refuge from life with T and P. I can read, eat, snooze, play, chew a slipper and watch T and P under the bed mainly undisturbed.

Although T and P know I like to go under the bed it usually takes them some time to find me – gives me some breathing space. Sometimes they think I am playing hide and seek (hide yes but I prefer not to be found) and they stand in the bedroom knowing exactly where I am and start calling me as if they can’t find me (if only). It’s sad and pathetic, they are fully grown humans but behave like children most of the time. What am I supposed to do? I stay under the bed for as long as possible, they think I am going along with their game but I am actually too frightened to come out. T makes so much noise and P just goes along with it – don’t think he knows what’s going on most of the time.

A dog needs a sanctuary. T has a garden shed, P and me are not allowed in but we both sneak in behind her back. P seems to enjoy rebelling against T’s rules but he always does it secretly – if she found out the consequences would be dire. P doesn’t like confrontation but me, I don’t care.

P has found solace in Wii Fit. He was so desperate to get it he bought it in Germany (online) he had searched West Yorkshire but it was sold out everywhere. This has given P a refuge from T. She doesn’t like computer games so pays little attention – this is a result for P. She is totally lost when he stands on this step thing and starts waving his arms and legs about staring intently at the TV screen, but leaves him undisturbed. I have watched him and I can’t say I really understand what he is doing (apart from keeping T at bay) but he seems to like it and tells T he’s making progress – progress at what remains a mystery and T shows no interest.

I like my bed but I get constantly disturbed there. T talks to me or worse sings to me. She makes up songs and insists on singing them loudly. She reckons she can sing – cats are more tuneful. For some reason since I came back from the ‘hotel’ (we don’t say the K word) she’s become obsessed with cleaning my teeth. I like the toothpaste but once I’ve licked it off the brush job done as far as I’m concerned but she keeps pushing the brush in my mouth and moving it around. I try to stop her by keeping my mouth firmly shut or chewing the brush but she is undeterred and keeps buying new toothbrushes.

So you can understand my need for a little sanctuary at times. It’s true what they say let sleeping dogs lie.

I’ve been away. The kennels to be precise. They keep saying they missed me, well why did they put me in there then? They could have stayed at home or taken me with them. They try not to say the K word and say hotel instead – some hotel! I take my own bed and food, I do have an ensuite bathroom and terrace but the room service is a little lacking as I don’t get a menu. T and P have obviously got to them as I get the same food as at home – no ribs of beef or steaks. The weather was quite nice so me and the other ‘guests’ were hoping for a barbecue (there was quite a lot of us) but no we were all fed in our rooms. Good hotels have a dining room and menus.

Came home to lots of excuses about why they had put me in there. I don’t believe them. If I was really part of the family they’d take me too – just get me a pet passport then there would be no problem.

I was ignoring their excuses and checking out the house in case they hadn’t gone away and other people and dogs had been here (I do wonder sometimes) when I heard the sound of running water. This is always a noise to be wary of. I was being called, it is always best to ignore calls when you are not sure why they want you. I hid under the bed but it wasn’t long until they found me. They were being nice to me, too nice. It was all too clear I was to have a bath. I had seen the towels and my shampoo – once tortured you never forget and I have been put through this harrowing experience several times before.

Wasn’t going to move but they had me cornered, tried to make a break for it but they got me. I turned on the charm and started licking P’s arm and looking lovingly at him. He would have relented I’m sure but T is not so easily turned and she took me firmly into the bathroom. Collar removed and in I went. It was quick but unpleasant. P was talking to me throughout but T never uttered a word, she can be quite menacing at times but when you consider what she does to slugs and snails I think I got off quite lightly.

The ‘up’ side of a bath (if there is one) is that after a stay in the kennels the smell of the place lingers on me and now I can relax in my bed (which T also cleaned) without anything to remind of my time away. All I have to do now is find some mud or horse manure to roll in and I will smell absolutely perfect!

There's no smell like home!