It has started. It didn’t take much, just a bit of sunshine. T has started her killing spree again. I am writing this under the cover of darkness in case she finds me and takes retribution. The knife has been welded and blood has been spilt – well I don’t actually know if slugs and snails have blood but if they did it will have been spilt a plenty in our garden.

Bank holidays to most people means relaxing in the garden, mowing the lawn or going out for the day. I have learnt this from observing our neighbours who all seem to live quiet non violent lives. In our house May bank holiday means it is time to search for slugs and snails and then cut them in half. T spent all afternoon gathering up leaves, looking under pots and plants and seeking out the hapless slug and the odd snail. Snails must be more intelligent and realising what was happening most had fled the garden. The slug haul was large; she is relentless and misses nothing. If only she took that much interest in my care.

The weekend got off to a bad start as I was put in the car – not always a bad thing and I had high hopes for a walk. Instead I found myself at the vets and when my guard was down the rubber gloves went on and the rest, well, you can guess. I couldn’t sit down for a while. I thought I would mention this in case the vet tries to sell his story – I am a celebrity and have to be mindful of tabloid newspapers. I do have witnesses to the incident – T and P unfortunately but it’s better than nothing.

I haven’t been able to relax all weekend as T has been patrolling the garden, knife in hand. Tried to distract her with my ball and Frisbee but she is very single-minded when she is on a mission. To make things worse P gave her a gin and tonic – not a wise thing to do when she is holding a knife.

Clearly it is going to be a scary summer and not just for the slugs and snails as I find it very disturbing to witness this carnage. She inspects her plants every day and if there is any sign of damage she spends hours trying to find the culprit. P used to work from home but doesn’t anymore – is it any wonder? Even he finds T terrifying.