It has started. It didn’t take much, just a bit of sunshine. T has started her killing spree again. I am writing this under the cover of darkness in case she finds me and takes retribution. The knife has been welded and blood has been spilt – well I don’t actually know if slugs and snails have blood but if they did it will have been spilt a plenty in our garden.

Bank holidays to most people means relaxing in the garden, mowing the lawn or going out for the day. I have learnt this from observing our neighbours who all seem to live quiet non violent lives. In our house May bank holiday means it is time to search for slugs and snails and then cut them in half. T spent all afternoon gathering up leaves, looking under pots and plants and seeking out the hapless slug and the odd snail. Snails must be more intelligent and realising what was happening most had fled the garden. The slug haul was large; she is relentless and misses nothing. If only she took that much interest in my care.

The weekend got off to a bad start as I was put in the car – not always a bad thing and I had high hopes for a walk. Instead I found myself at the vets and when my guard was down the rubber gloves went on and the rest, well, you can guess. I couldn’t sit down for a while. I thought I would mention this in case the vet tries to sell his story – I am a celebrity and have to be mindful of tabloid newspapers. I do have witnesses to the incident – T and P unfortunately but it’s better than nothing.

I haven’t been able to relax all weekend as T has been patrolling the garden, knife in hand. Tried to distract her with my ball and Frisbee but she is very single-minded when she is on a mission. To make things worse P gave her a gin and tonic – not a wise thing to do when she is holding a knife.

Clearly it is going to be a scary summer and not just for the slugs and snails as I find it very disturbing to witness this carnage. She inspects her plants every day and if there is any sign of damage she spends hours trying to find the culprit. P used to work from home but doesn’t anymore – is it any wonder? Even he finds T terrifying.

This is T. I have just seen that Paddy is advertising for a PA. I am hurt. He says I am not up to the job and I don’t understand him. What is the problem? Is fame going to his head?

How quickly he has forgotten that we have given him a home, taken him away from living in a kennel and given him our love and attention. What have we done that is so wrong? Yes, I am a vegetarian but we give him meat, he is not given alcohol that is true – but he’s underage (only two yrs). I can’t tell the time and this gets me into trouble with P and I dread people stopping me in the street and asking the time. To make things worse my watch doesn’t have numbers just marks so I have to count up what the hour should be and then attempt the minutes which is very difficult. I didn’t think that I was so very late with Paddy’s meals although I have completely forgotten on occasion – nothing to do with the time and I hadn’t been drinking. He is right about throwing and catching the ball – hated netball at school for this reason.

Paddy makes us out to be so inadequate.

P doesn’t spend all his time lying on the sofa, he only watches sport at weekends (well mostly). I do have to vacuum the house as Paddy brings in lots of mud after the long walks I take him on – does he mention this? I do give him treats at times but he has to earn them and they are hypo-allergenic. Paddy has got to keep fit and slim now he’s a celebrity, does he want to go to a fat camp? I always have Paddy’s health and well being at heart. If he was left to his own devices he would be very ill. He just doesn’t accept that he is not able to eat what he wants when he wants – though he constantly tries to. I could do a tabloid exposé on what he has eaten over the years!

Well if he wants someone else to look after him so be it. I shall watch with interest to see if he gets anyone daft enough to want to work for him. If he did I can tell you that they wouldn’t last long. Paddy is very demanding. I accept this as I love him and want him to be happy but a member of staff may have a very different idea – and where are the career prospects? He didn’t mention any opportunities for promotion or even the possibility of a salary at some point. Paddy has not been on any management training so I think his supervisory skills may leave a lot to be desired.

All I can say is the grass is always greener Paddy.