I think it is time I had a personal assistant. My life is getting ever more complicated and help is needed to keep things under control. T is trying her best but she lacks some fairly basic skills and frankly she just doesn’t understand me. Just a few examples:
She doesn’t have chocolate drops to give to me on request.
She doesn’t understand the importance of a good roll in something very smelly.
I don’t need cleaning after a muddy walk.
Being on the lead is not necessary in a field of sheep or cows.
Whilst I like apple which T gives me every day at lunchtime I would prefer a bacon sandwich.
She doesn’t understand that a toothbrush is meant to be chewed and toothpaste should be licked off the brush. T tries to shove the brush in my mouth and move it around, she takes some stopping.
She is a vegetarian.

P is not a candidate for this position, the only position he knows is prostrate – on the sofa preferably with a glass of whisky in his hand. If he did have any chocolate drops in his pocket he’d eat them and forget me.

So I need someone more in tune with the way I want to live my life. I have heard T and P talk about job descriptions and person specifications when they have looked at job vacancies. I have drafted something as this could help me select the right person and deter complete no-hopers from applying.

Job Description
Post: Personal Assistant to Paddy Fabulous Willy of West Yorkshire.
Purpose: To attend to all my needs throughout the day.
Main duties and responsibilities:
Provide secretarial support to Paddy Fabulous Willy of West Yorkshire, a well known celebrity.
Answer fan mail, act as spokesperson on my behalf and deal with press enquiries making appointments as necessary.
Serve gourmet meals and treats throughout the day providing a choice of main courses for dinner.
Spend at least 3 hours a day accompanying me on walks, keeping autograph hunters and paparazzi away.
Play ball in the garden in between walks.

Salary: I don’t have any money so can’t pay a salary but just spending the day with me will be more than enough remuneration.
Confidentiality: The successful candidate will sign a confidentiality agreement which ensures that my person life remains private. Don’t want any tabloid exposés.

Person Specification
Desirable qualities of a personal assistant:
Carry dog treats.
Know how to cook and serve a rib of beef.
Like long walks.
Don’t carry a lead.
Know the difference between a kangaroo and a wallaby.
Can make a gin and tonic (this is something I would really like to try. T and P drink quite a lot of it and from what I have licked up from the floor it’s rather nice).

Essential qualities of a personal assistant:
Carry dog treats.
Can cook a rib of beef.
Will take me for long walks on demand.
Know who is in charge at all times – me.
Can’t drive so visits to the vets are out of the question.
Don’t possess a pair of rubber gloves.
Understands the problems of fame and how to support a celebrity.
Can’t use a vacuum cleaner.
Don’t like sport.
Serve my meals with a glass of red wine (T and P always have wine with their meals but omit to pour a glass for me).
Can throw and catch a ball – this is something T cannot do.
Able to tell the time. T can’t and constantly serves my meals late.

If anyone thinks they might fulfil the above criteria please do get in touch and I will arrange an interview. Though I should warn you this will include a practical task. Not finalised the details yet but it will involve going for a long walk where I will test candidates compliance with the essential and desirable qualities listed. There will also be an opportunity for candidates to impress me with their culinary skills by preparing me a meal.

Good luck!