There are some things I excel at – farting, burping and barking. I know I am good at these things as they always produce a reaction from T and P. They say ‘Paddy’s made a whiff’, never ‘fart’. I like to do this when we have visitors, everyone looks embarrassed and then immediately blames me. When I meet up with George and Max we compare our farting skills, Sadie never admits to doing such things.

I need to eat my food quickly to produce a good burp, this seems to be a rare skill as neither George or Max can burp, as ever Sadie denies any knowledge of such things. I’m coaching George and Max on how to burp, they are keen students.

But barking is my favourite as I can run around the house making lots of noise and rub my nose up against the windows (which really annoys T). Why don’t T and P like me barking? Isn’t that the point of a dog? P gets worked up and starts telling me to be quiet – he makes more noise than me so I have to bark louder to make sure I can be heard above him. If I am barking at something outside then how can they hear me unless I bark very loud?

Barking is what a dog is all about, particularly at 6 o’clock in the morning. I like a wander around the garden first thing checking out all the fresh smells. There is a path at the back of our house and I just have to bark at anyone walking past just so they know this is my house. So it’s early in the morning, if I am up why shouldn’t everyone else be up? T gets worked up and tries to call me quietly (T can’t do anything quietly). She is usually in her pyjamas and I always ignore her so she has to come to the bottom of the garden and get me. By this time the neighbours are looking at our garden to see what the fuss is all about and see T looking her best tiptoeing down the garden in her pyjamas and slippers trying to avoid the mud. She’s never in a good mood after that.

So when you hear a dog barking remember it is just checking it exists. I mean why keep a dog and bark yourself?