There are some things I excel at – farting, burping and barking. I know I am good at these things as they always produce a reaction from T and P. They say ‘Paddy’s made a whiff’, never ‘fart’. I like to do this when we have visitors, everyone looks embarrassed and then immediately blames me. When I meet up with George and Max we compare our farting skills, Sadie never admits to doing such things.

I need to eat my food quickly to produce a good burp, this seems to be a rare skill as neither George or Max can burp, as ever Sadie denies any knowledge of such things. I’m coaching George and Max on how to burp, they are keen students.

But barking is my favourite as I can run around the house making lots of noise and rub my nose up against the windows (which really annoys T). Why don’t T and P like me barking? Isn’t that the point of a dog? P gets worked up and starts telling me to be quiet – he makes more noise than me so I have to bark louder to make sure I can be heard above him. If I am barking at something outside then how can they hear me unless I bark very loud?

Barking is what a dog is all about, particularly at 6 o’clock in the morning. I like a wander around the garden first thing checking out all the fresh smells. There is a path at the back of our house and I just have to bark at anyone walking past just so they know this is my house. So it’s early in the morning, if I am up why shouldn’t everyone else be up? T gets worked up and tries to call me quietly (T can’t do anything quietly). She is usually in her pyjamas and I always ignore her so she has to come to the bottom of the garden and get me. By this time the neighbours are looking at our garden to see what the fuss is all about and see T looking her best tiptoeing down the garden in her pyjamas and slippers trying to avoid the mud. She’s never in a good mood after that.

So when you hear a dog barking remember it is just checking it exists. I mean why keep a dog and bark yourself?

Day One
I have been locked up, imprisoned. I’m in a small cell with an outside exercise area which the guards open from time to time during the day. I am writing this under the cover of darkness so they won’t know. Lights go out early here. Why am I here? T and P put me here, they know where I am but they just dropped me off and walked away. This is a cry for help – GET ME OUT OF HERE!
I have been in places like this before, I was taken off the street and locked up – what had I done wrong? I’ve never found out but it did eventually mean that T and P came and rescued me. So why have they put me here? Will they come and rescue me this time and when? Better stop now in case the guards patrol the cells. There are others here too; I can hear them, but yet to make contact.

Day Two
Been fed so that is something – same food as home, also got my bed, so T and P have tried to make it comfortable for me – but why am I here? The guards aren’t so bad, they are kind and have given me a fuss but it’s not like home. They don’t make my bed the same way and I don’t have all my toys. Trying to make contact with the dog in the cell next door, not seen any other prisoners yet, just heard them. They all want to get out of here.

Day Three
Finally made contact yesterday in the exercise yard, this is a small grassed area where we are allowed to socialise for a short time. None of the prisoners know why they are here but quite a few have been here before and they do eventually get released. Will I get released? I have to believe I will, I really miss home.

Day Four
Trying to start an escape committee. Trying not to let the guards see us talking in the exercise yard, but they don’t seem to be too concerned about us prisoners fraternising. Everyone is up for it, we could dig a tunnel, I have some experience in digging, practised at home quite a lot in the garden. Fences are too high to jump over, can’t see any searchlights if we made a break for it at night. We didn’t come to a decision as it was dinner time, can’t miss out on a meal – we have few pleasures here.

Day Five
Late afternoon and no further with the escape plan, most of the prisoners have changed their minds as they seem to think they’ll get released soon. I am determined that I will get out of here. Spent the day in my cell, have even lost interest in my food. Suddenly, I hear voices, it’s the guard again - she has just done her rounds so what is happening? My cell door is opened and there is T and P – smiling. WHERE DO THEY THINK THEY HAVE BEEN AND WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY SMILING? This is no smiling matter but I forget my indignation at the sheer joy of seeing them. My lead is put on, I take T to the car as quickly as I can, P stumbling behind with my bed. I climb on to T’s knee in the car and she hugs me, P is driving and stroking me. We get home and all is as we left it, why did we all have to go away?

Bit corny I know, but there’s no place like home.