Thought you might like to see a picture of me looking for big red dogs at Hardcastle Crags.

Went out for a fantastic walk at Hardcastle Crags. T and P seem to like this place too, although they seem to take ages to get ready to go out. Packing towels, bowls and bottles of water. They don’t need any of those things, they don’t use them and I'm quite happy to take a drink in the stream and don’t have any problem getting in the car muddy. But still they take all this stuff.

We were on our walk and I was off the lead running around, enjoying the scenery and all the curious smells - not sure what half of them are, not come across them in the woods at home. I was near to T and she suddenly went quiet whispered to P and then grabbed my collar and put me on the lead.

What for? What had I done? Not meet a dog, or bothered a family having a picnic (that is always worth a try, gets T in a tizzy!). T and P stood still and were looking at something – I looked too and there was a very large red dog! What else could it be? T and P must be trying to protect me from this giant. No need, I can look after myself and besides it might be friendly, you don’t know till you go and say hello. T and P were clearly not going to let me. The big red dog stood still and looked at us, probably waiting for one of us to say hello, we didn’t so it ran off. I was keen to follow but T kept tight hold of the lead. They stopped whispering now it had gone and started talking about a deer – what was one of those? Forget that, lets go after the dog!

Walked for a while on the lead, T was obviously frightened the big dog was not friendly and might come back. Eventually, they set me free again but I couldn’t pick up the scent. Arrived at a building, P went in and came back out with drinks and I had a drink from a bowl in ‘Canine corner’ T seemed to be very impressed with this (I have to humour her sometimes). After drinks it was on with the walk I looked and looked but there was no sign of more big red dogs. Shame, would liked to have said hello. Still, not all bad met lots of dogs and found some families having picnics, they didn’t seem that keen to see me, don’t know why.

In the car on the way home after the obligatory clean with a towel (I checked there was no other dogs about to see this humiliation) I had a snooze and thought about what I would have said to the big red dog if I’d had the chance. There maybe some in the woods at home that I hadn’t met yet, you never know, life is always full of surprises.

T was very excited. It was Friday evening and that is always a good time as I know they are both home for the next two days. They are always relaxed as they have special drinks and say cheers to each other – it seems to make them very happy. T produced a box and announced it was a present for me, P didn’t seem quite so excited, seemed more resigned. He had two special drinks that evening, what was my present?

The box stayed in the kitchen and T kept referring to it on Saturday, P still didn’t seem so keen. Was this something I was not going to like? T has some weird ideas sometimes, makes me wear a luminous yellow coat in the dark, says it’s so we can be seen – if she wants to be seen why doesn’t she wear it?

Nothing more was said on Saturday, I am hoping it has been forgotten.

After a walk in the woods on Sunday morning I was enjoying a lie in the sun, stretched out on the grass when T comes into the garden with the ‘present’ and P has that resigned look again. It’s out of the box and is something squashed and blue which P seemed to be trying to eat. But the blue thing was changing, it seemed to be getting bigger and if P was eating it he wasn’t making much headway and he didn’t look very well – it mustn’t agree with him.

P had now turned as blue as the thing he was trying to eat and was lying prostrate on the lawn - the blue thing had become huge! There was some discussion, P said it was blown up – what does that mean? Then T started messing about with a long tube, P had managed to get up off the lawn by now and was having to supervise her. Clearly she didn’t know what she was doing and P was still looking blue and weak. The long tube was put in the huge blue thing, they were filling it with water. The horrid realisation of what this was had become very clear – it was a bath! No way am I going in it, no way.

My toys were thrown in, well they can get them out, T did in the end. Then she got in and splashed about, perhaps she needed a bath too. But this can't be a bath there were no towels or shampoo (always a dead giveaway). I reckon they thought I would like to paddle in this blue thing because I like to paddle in streams in the woods. Don’t they realise it’s not the same? Where’s the adventure? A blue thing in the garden just doesn’t compare.

P showed signs of recovery through the day but he steered well clear of the blue thing, eventually T stopped paddling in it and the water was drained away. Finally I could relax, found the ball that had been thrown in the blue thing, it was nice and wet, put it on T’s knee and looked endearing. Hope I have seen the last of the blue thing but somehow knowing T I am not so sure.

Each evening T lets me out for a wee before we go to bed. This sounds reasonable you think, wouldn’t want to get caught short in the night. But is it normal and reasonable for T to accompany me on my evening wander around the garden armed with a torch, knife and shovel? It was alarming at first, what was she going to do to me – I have had the snip so it couldn’t be that! Kept well out of her way and didn’t let her out of my sight!

But she never came near me and now it's all become clear, there is a very disturbing aspect to T, she kills things. Not just kills them, she mutilates them, stabs them and cuts them in half and she smiles as she does it. What am I living with? A psychopath? She’s like mother to me!

I tried to eat a snail one evening and she was really annoyed – told me to leave it alone. Clearly I was denying her the pleasure of cutting it in half. Yes, the objects of her killing frenzy are slugs and snails – T may I say is a member of the RSPCA!

Each evening she searches the flower beds shining her torch on the plants and removes any slugs or snails she finds and then does the deed, they are no more. She mutters as she does this – things like “you’ll not eat my marguerites again” (not too bad) or “die snail die” (bad) “think you can get the better of me do you?” (worrying) “I’m going to cut you in half” (very worrying).

Despite this campaign of slaughter the marguerites (which seem to be her special focus of attention) are showing signs of being eaten and are now somewhat tatty. This is clearly a battle that will continue for some time, she never misses an evening of mass murder. Some evenings she has clearly satisfied her appetite for mutilation and death but other evenings the pickings are thin.

P seems to be oblivious of T’s nocturnal activities, doesn’t say a word, I think he tries to ignore it, doesn’t know how to deal with it. I think she needs help. What must the neighbours think? They must see her out with a torch looking at her plants intensely. Do they know they are living next door to a mass murderer? I sleep uneasily these days, keep one eye open and have taken to keeping a weapon beside me – a ball or a kong, so I have something to defend myself with in case she turns on me in the night.

Roll on winter then I can sleep easy in my bed. By the way, slugs don't taste very nice.

I am in the woods, off the lead running around doing whatever I want. But T and P always want to know where I am and what I’m doing. I prefer to disappear and have some time to myself. So, they call me, I ignore them, it is the usual routine and it suits me. When I think it is time to check on them and where they are I will go back and get a treat. They think that is why I have come when I’m called. No, I have returned because I choose to, my control of T and P is subtle, they seem to respond to that better. The discs on my collar make a noise so they can tell when I am close so sometimes I stay very still while they’re calling and looking for me, they have no idea where I am, that really gets to them. Eventually I will put them out of their misery and appear. It’s all part of T and P's training, it has to be done.

I'm given a treat, though it doesn’t matter if they don’t give me anything, there are lots of other goodies to eat. Managed to find a dead bird once which was interesting and T was obviously pleased as she started running around and shouting, didn’t strike me as that exciting but each to their own. The best was a mushroom, bit like a Frisbee as it was big but difficult to get into my mouth. Found it on the ground, that was very exciting for T, she started throwing sticks, running around, offering me treats (didn’t understand that, why would I swap a Frisbee mushroom for a treat?). I had to give up eventually, T was getting over excited and my mouth was tired carrying the mushroom around. It did the trick as T immediately calmed down, but put me on the lead and took me straight home – bit unfair just because she’s tired from all that running and shouting.

Whoops, made a mistake here, they have caught me off guard and put me on the lead, this means T and P want to go home. Pity, enjoying myself. I could stay longer and come home when I am ready, but I don’t think T and P are ready to go home alone yet. One day.

P’s parents came to stay the other week. Don’t know where they came from they just appeared one afternoon with T and P. Brought lots of bags, thought they were moving in. Got a bit excited with all the activity, but wasn’t allowed to jump up and say hello.

I see every activity at home as an opportunity, but it appeared that my fun was to be curtailed as the in-laws kept their bedroom door shut. Did manage to sneak into the bathroom and steal a small bag, but this was quickly taken off me. Clearly there wasn’t going to be much fun this week, but there is always T’s slippers, a good standby when I want to be noticed.

Now I know that T and P aren’t my real parents as they aren’t dogs, but they look after me as a parent would, doing everything for me (as it should be too). But P’s parents (it was explained to me that is who the in-laws were) didn’t seem very caring towards P. They didn’t take him to the park once for a walk, check his teeth or brush his coat. I did go out for a walk with T and P and the in-laws on a few occasions and P wasn’t put on a lead at all when I was! Apart from the injustice I felt about this it was clear P wasn’t under control, he was just going where he wanted and wasn’t being called back – T has a whistle and she uses this to call me on our walks, the in-laws didn’t seem to care, no whistle no calls. They didn’t even seem to be paying attention to where he was half the time.

T and P had a delivery during the visit, this made T excited. P had a look I have seen often, it means resistance is useless T expects. I know the feeling, I get it when T wants to clean my teeth – but obviously I do resist by chewing the toothbrush but no matter what T manages to brush some of my teeth. P rarely puts up any resistance. The parcel was unpacked and P set to work, he needed assistance which I was glad to give. P did lots of hammering, was he trying to destroy it? Did he not like it?

Eventually, it turned out to be a chest of drawers which the in-laws and T stood and admired. T was pleased. It doesn’t take much. There was relief on P’s face – I know that look well too.

The in-laws disappeared as they came, went off with T and P and didn’t come back with them. I wonder if they have been put in kennels?