Paddy's Blog

Woke up yesterday morning and all seemed well, sun was shining and I thought the signs were good for a long walk in the woods. Then a van pulled up outside the house and two men in white coats got out. I’ve heard about men in white coats and I knew they must have come for T. This was a moment of truth for me, what to do? Defend her or let them take her? Both options had their advantages, long walks in the woods with T if I defended her but if I let her go just think of the peace P and I would have. On balance, the walks in the woods won and I decided to defend her and keep the men from getting into the house.

P went out to talk to them and there was a lot of pointing and looking at the house. I think that P was warning them that T might put up a fight or how she might make her escape. P could be mean at times; he must have called them as he seemed to be expecting them. T should be able to count on her family to protect her, not give her up. She hasn’t been that bad lately, nothing to deserve this.

T was still in bed and had put the blinds down on the windows; she was obviously hiding from the men. Not much point when P was clearly on their side. The men must have been expecting a fight as they had brought ladders – I know about these as our window cleaner uses them. They put up the ladders against the back of the house and were clearly going to try to get into the bedroom where T was. I rushed upstairs and started barking at the windows, they might not be able to see me but I made sure they could hear me. My barking worked as they stayed up the ladders and kept away from the windows, I think they were scared to come down. I stayed close to T but she didn’t seem particularly grateful, I am not appreciated in this house.

The men must have thought it safe to come down after a while as they moved to the front of the house and again put up their ladders. Obviously a new line of attack. If they thought they would catch me unawares they were very much mistaken as I rushed to the front and started to bark again. It did the trick and the men didn’t get in. This went on for the rest of the day; I have to admire them for their persistence and T for staying so calm. She didn’t go out, wise move in the circumstances; instead she chose to paint the kitchen. This might have been to steady her nerves, she does like decorating but how she managed to concentrate at such a stressful time I don’t know. P was hanging about and offering to help T which is unheard of, perhaps he felt guilty about the men.

Finally, the men gave up and went away, T was safe and I could relax. P saw them off and appeared to give them money (I've seen pay the window cleaner), concrete proof in my mind that he had called them. He stood for a while and looked at the house and then T went out to join him, she also looked at the house. When they came in T said to me “You can relax now the painters have gone”.

Painters? Why didn’t they tell me?

P has gone away, don’t know for how long but he took a large bag. T and I took him somewhere and just left him. T is apt to do this from time to time but P always finds his way back and sometimes we go and get him from the same place we left him. This could be a game that T and P play, doesn’t seem much fun to me, or as I have always supposed its P’s way of getting a break from T.

What it means of course is that I am left with T for an unspecified amount of time. This has its ups and downs as I have noted in the past but what it always does is disrupt my routine. P gives me my breakfast and my medication which is good as I trust P to get it right. This morning it was up to T so I watched her closely to make sure she gave me the right amount of food (she is apt to give short measures) and the dosage was correct for my tablet. Thankfully, she did get it right. P rang quite early and I know he was checking that she had remembered my breakfast and tablet – she has forgotten in the past.

So fingers crossed that things go well and P decides to come home soon and life will settle back into its normal routine, P feeds me and T takes me for a walk. I have no idea where he has gone and as far as I know he hasn’t taken that ‘ Edible Woman’ book with him. Maybe he has gone to be a contestant on Masterchef, he has been watching it and they do cook a lot of meat, but so far nothing of human origin. There is always a first time.

Hope T watches it tonight just in case we see P.

P likes cooking and spends a fair amount of time in the kitchen, particularly at the weekends. T is not so keen and is happy to let P get on with it. He searches through recipe books to find new things to cook and watches lots of food programmes on TV for hints and tips.

This has always seemed an innocent pastime to me, it has kept P occupied and out of T’s way. But since he started reading that book ‘The Edible Woman’ I am not so sure. I have watched him closely but he hasn’t tried to take a bite out of T, which would be difficult as she is not very meaty. In fact he has been his usual self which is as distant as possible from T.

Would he really eat T? As I understand it humans don’t eat each other, it is not considered acceptable and indeed dogs don’t tend to eat each other either. Perhaps I have got it very wrong, I do hope so, T has many faults but I would miss her. It’s at times like this when you realise how useful humans are and life would be more difficult without them, yes really, even life with T.

But he has been watching Masterchef and was particularly interested in the bit about boning a chicken...

I like to read, well, look at the pictures, especially recipe books. T and P read at night, it can be difficult to get to sleep sometimes as they don’t put the light out for ages. I assume they read as they spend a lot of time looking at one page and there are no pictures, boring. Last night P announced that he had finished his book and had nothing else to read. T was still engrossed in her book and didn’t take much notice. P got out of bed and started pacing around looking for a book, T put her book down and looked annoyed and I hid under my blanket. I was surprised that P would dare to upset T, particularly at bedtime when she is tired and can be irritable, but he didn’t seem to care and started to rifle through a pile of books but declared them all unsuitable.

At this point I would expect T to tell P to get back in bed and keep quiet, but she leaned out of bed and picked up her favourite read – the Laura Ashley catalogue and offered it to P. He was not interested, so T picked up another of her all time favourites, a biography of Stalin, P hesitated, I could see he didn’t want to upset T as she was trying to be nice but it was clear he didn’t want to read that either. My biggest worry was that T would find the pack leader dog book which I had tried to hide, P had uncovered it when rifling through the books. I don’t want either of them reading that. They seem to have forgotten all about it and have stopped telling me to sit in a commanding tone. I call that a result.

Miraculously, P suddenly found a book and got back into bed, it wasn’t the biography of Stalin or thankfully, the pack leader book, I could see them on the floor. Whatever it was peace was restored and I managed to get to sleep.

I checked in the morning what it was P was reading, curious about what could take his interest all of a sudden. Obviously, I can’t read and the picture on the cover didn’t help me. So I hung around until T came into the bedroom to tidy up and she saw the book on the floor where I had left it. She picked it up and read out the title and said and this is not a lie “The Edible Woman, fancy P reading that” and calmly put it down on the bedside table.

Shouldn’t she be worried? Is this a cookery book? I know P likes his meat, don’t we all, but eating T is going too far.

I don’t understand humans; they say the stupidest things, particularly to dogs. We’re not daft but humans talk to us as though we are, smiling at us and saying things that don’t make sense. I’ve been asked when out in the woods if I’m having a lovely walk, well of course I am, I’m in the woods chasing squirrels and playing ball.

Went to see the dermatologist last week and sitting in the waiting room someone came up to me and said ‘Is no one saying hello to you?’ True, no one was, but I didn’t want anyone to say hello, I just wanted to say goodbye, I wanted to leave, forget the dermatologist. T and P seemed to be keen to stay though no matter how much I pulled them towards the door.

I go to the vets and the same thing happens, sit quietly in a corner hoping that I’ll be forgotten but someone always spots me and comes to strike up a conversation which invariably features the word “hello”. Not my favourite word on such occasions. Then I get asked if I’m alright, and I want to say ‘Yes I’m fine I don’t need to be here’ but T always jumps in and says ‘No, Paddy’s not very well’. At this point I try to do something to distract her so she doesn’t go into details; my bodily functions should remain private. And, it’s not just me that gets dragged to the vets for no reason, I’ve asked other dogs in the waiting room (don’t mix with the cats as they’re always in cages) and they say there’s nothing wrong with them either. I think humans are hypochondriacs by proxy.

The dermatologist did say goodbye to me though, he can’t do anything more as my allergies are so severe. Something I just have to live with. I’m happy, I don’t have to go there anymore and no more fake tattoos.

Goodbye does have its positive side.

I am wearing socks again. T caught me scratching and immediately inspected my skin and found a rash on my chest. Seem to get a lot of rashes here which is very inconvenient as I can’t wear my collar. This is because T slaps so much ointment on my chest my collar would get very messy. I have to wear a harness instead, which is embarrassing – people think I’m a puppy. Mind you, it could be my boyish good looks!

Last night I was forced to wear socks in bed in case I scratched, so far T hasn’t taken me to the park in socks, but it’s only a matter of time. I have become rather skilled at removing the socks no matter how tight she tapes them on, this really annoys her, particularly when I hide the socks as well. Even managed to make holes in the toes so I can scratch while wearing them! Thought this was rather clever and no one would notice but T did, so I am now wearing her thick walking socks. Don’t know why they’re called walking socks as I can’t walk in them very well.

T has arranged a visit to the dermatologist as she is worried, so am I, but I don’t think we’re worried about the same thing. T is worried that I have lost hair on my chest because I have scratched; I’m worried because the dermatologist has shaved off more hair than I have ever removed – I could come back bald!

Walked in the woods yesterday morning, played ball and saw some rabbits, no squirrels but not bad nonetheless. So the day looked good to me, until T delivered the bad news, we had to stay in all afternoon to wait for someone.

T spent the afternoon in the office, I watched out for the visitor, whoever they may be. The phone rang which T seemed to be expecting so I thought it must be P, he always rings to find out where T is. I don’t think he trusts T on her own much these days, I know he likes time away from her (who wouldn’t), but P also likes to know where she is and what she’s doing. But I don't think it was as his calls always last some time, this was just a short call. Next there is a knock at the door; this can’t be P either unless T has locked him out again (one of the reasons why P likes to keep tabs on her). Anyway, she opens the door to this stranger, well a stranger to me; T welcomed him in and then made a cup of tea!

This person for some reason seemed very interested in our gas appliances. It amazed me that T knew anything about them, she doesn’t do much cooking and hasn’t a clue how the heating works. I thought it best to check out the stranger’s bag and keep an eye on him. He seemed harmless enough but you never know. T was hovering trying to look knowledgeable but failing. At one point the stranger asked her for something and she rushed up to the office and started pulling drawers and cupboards open obviously looking for something. I stood guard on the stranger.

Eventually, T returned looking pleased and waving a small booklet which she triumphantly placed in the stranger’s hand. This resulted in the stranger going into the living room and shutting the door. There was a smell of smoke, T said he was checking the gas fire, but how could she know? She wasn’t in the room. I kept being told to keep out of the way and the stranger eventually reappeared and left after T signed some papers. Hope she knew what she was signing, she never reads the small print.

T was very excited when P arrived home, showing him the leaflet she had found. P clearly did not share T’s excitement and turned on the TV. The living room still smells of smoke and T keeps playing with the fake coals on the gas fire so they look more realistic – she hasn’t succeed.

I wasn’t aware of this but I had blood tests as well as skin tests at the veterinary hospital in May. All I know is I went into a room and woke up some time later with a shaved side and a fake tattoo. The results have only just come through, the skin tests showed I was allergic to grass but the blood tests show that basically I’m allergic to everything. T said it took so long for my results to come back because there were so many allergies to count!

T thought I should have a special suit to go out in so I wouldn’t get rashes, P said that was a silly idea and I wouldn’t wear it – he is so right.

Weekly baths are now a permanent fixture along with daily brushing and teeth cleaning. I have heard that humans are becoming allergic to lots of things and excessive hygiene is to blame. This I think is the answer in my case; T has a stock of Dettol which she uses liberally. My bedding is changed every week, I’m cleaned after every walk and there is the continual vacuuming, then T complains she has no time to relax!

Perhaps I need to get a bit dirtier to combat the allergies, if my coat is covered in mud then pollens and grasses will find it more difficult to get to my skin. Can’t see T going along with this but she is quite easy to fool, make her think you are going to do one thing and then do exactly the opposite, she falls for it every time!

Maybe P could learn something from me.

T is a creature of habit and the summer has brought its usual terrors to our garden. Don’t get me wrong, creature of habit she may be but T is not stuck in a rut when it comes to efficiently dispatching the enemy. In the past she used either a knife or scissors to cut her prey in half, this year salt is her weapon of choice. Which poor creatures is she persecuting? Slugs and snails of course!

She goes into the garden each evening, carrying a torch, a margarine tub filled with salt, a knife for good measure and a smile on her face. I have to accompany her as my job is to keep walking in front of the garden light to keep it on. She complains if I wander off and the light goes out, why does she have a torch if she needs the light on? Is it essential to see the carnage?

I’d like to think she goes out under cover of darkness because she’s ashamed of slaughtering these defenceless creatures, but no, it’s because she can find more of them, particularly if it’s raining. She checks all the plant pots very carefully with the torch, lifting up leaves to make sure nothing is missed. She surprised a frog one evening, but she‘s only interested in slugs and snails, everything else is quite safe. Apart from moths, she doesn’t like them but she’d never kill a spider.

I have tried pleading with P to let me back in the house by peering at him through the French windows, but he just waves at me totally oblivious to the slaughter I am witnessing. I'm being kind and assuming he is oblivious rather than just too lazy to get up off the sofa and open the back door. P does spend a lot of time oblivious to T; he’s probably just glad of the peace and quiet for a few minutes.

Just have to hope the slugs and snails leave for pastures new, either that or the batteries run out in her torch soon. In the meantime, I’ll just have to find a good place to hide when T goes into the garden.

P is not always keen to go for a walk it must be said. Fortunately, T is, so I go out everyday at least twice and have plenty of games in-between. In fact T is a keen advocate of keeping fit and believes that the way to a long life and happiness is plenty of fresh air and exercise, her favourite being walking, which suits me. P does not go along with this philosophy and believes that you must preserve your energy by lying down as much as possible, preferably on the sofa watching sport. T likes watching tennis and loves Wimbledon, but will interrupt her viewing to play with me – unless Andy Murray is playing, then I have no chance.

P is aware that T expects him to come with us for a walk at least once a week, not much you might think but for P this is a massive undertaking and cannot always be achieved. Personally, I think he finds any excuse he can to have some time on his own while me and T are out. It does mean that I have to cope with her on my own but I just ignore her most of the time.

P’s latest excuse is a damaged toe; he claimed he did it by tripping up the stairs while me and T were out on a walk. Not so sure myself, P likes a drop of whisky now and again and usually comes to bed last and so has to creep about in the dark. I bet he did it the night before and doesn’t want T to know he’d had a few too many. He proudly showed us both the bruised toe and proclaimed it must be broken, I trod on it to test this out and P did jump several feet in the air so maybe he’s right.

Rather than limping around the house P has chosen to lie on the sofa and ask T to bring things to him, amazingly she is! T seems genuinely concerned, this is new to me and judging from P’s reaction it’s new to him too. She even told him not to come for a walk with us! Don’t know how long P will be able to spin this one out, once the bruising has gone T will expect him to come walking with us again. But I have to hand it to P, every now and again he outwits T.

I shall watch and learn.